The Captivating Woman

Designed with purpose.

How Getting Engaged Didn’t Solve my Problems & Why This isn’t the End of my Love Story

A few months ago, I got engaged.

Some of you might have seen it on Instagram. Some of you might have seen my cheesy caption on Facebook. You might have squealed in excitement, you might have sent me a text or given me a giant hug. Some of you, might have sighed, might have been slightly disappointed, thinking about another random girl on your Instagram explore page getting engaged and wondering if it would ever be you. Some of you might have seen a guy getting on his knee and began to question your own worth, your own beauty, your own value.

Today, I am here to tell you something different.

You see, it would be easy, so incredibly easy, for me to sit here and tell you why I love this phase of my life. I could babble on about how he proposed, exactly what he said when he got down on one knee, but I have chosen not to do that. I am here to tell you something different. Something so much more wildly important than my own proposal story. Something I don’t think people hear enough. Something us engaged girls aren’t telling the world.

Getting engaged didn’t change me.

Getting engaged has not made me perfect.

I know what you’re thinking, because I have thought it too. I have watched friends and sisters get engaged, plan weddings, try on wonderful dresses, and I have sat there believing that they have it all together. They have finally made it.

I wish I could tell you that I have finally made it. That after the proposal have been sweet bliss. That all of the sudden, my hidden insecurities and comparisons have dissipated. But they haven’t. I make phone calls and look at wedding venues and still long to be perfect. I still look at other girls and wonder if I could just me more like them, while the world and you, probably believe I must feel so entirely loved. I still walk in anxiety even though I am planning a wedding. I still live in fear even though I have found “the one.”

This ring hasn’t changed me. Because a man getting down on one knee hasn’t fixed me.

You, my dear friends, are not seeing the whole story. You don’t have the complete picture. A long time ago, God started writing my love story and it didn’t end or begin with Jake saying I love you. So that is what I am here to tell you. Not the dreams of my wedding, not the marriage I hope to have. I am here to tell you that God started a work in me and you a long time ago, and one proposal isn’t the whole story.

I was sixteen when I thought I found the one. I fell for the bliss of being wanted and  was intoxicated with the infatuation of being “loved.” That love I believed in as a sixteen year old girl was not the action type of love, not the sacrifice type of love, but the love that contained a lot of empty promises and shattered hearts. God started writing my love story when that boy told me he loved me, and when three years later, he told me that love no longer existed. I believed in a love that didn’t persist, and God picked me up, found me in my mess, and told me he was going to redefine my definition of love.

I spent a lot of time healing, which is the nice way of saying I spent a lot of time crying and calling my best friends on the phone. I spent a lot of time questioning if I had any worth at all, believing the undeniable lie that when a boy tells you he doesn’t love you, you are entirely unloveable. I had no idea what love was and no clue what God was doing. But you see, this is the story. This is what I want to tell you. This is not what you see when you look at my engagement post on Instagram. You don’t see the hurt. You don’t see the healing. You don’t see the story Jesus began writing a long time ago. But it’s important. Don’t miss it.

A year later, is when I met Jake. A good part of me had sworn of love and I was confident in living the single life until Jesus called me home. I never wanted to date again, because dating left me messy and broken and confused. But Jake was kind and gentle, and spoke of The Lord with boldness that inspired me. He heard of my past and told me I was worth it. Jesus was writing my love story, going fierce with a pen and paper I couldn’t yet see.

Now, I am engaged to that same boy who made me laugh while drinking black coffee, and though I am giddy with excitement, I am still here. I am still messy. I am still struggling. I still cried in the car last night because I am just so overwhelmed. Jesus is still writing, still working on my definition of love, still chasing after the heart that I tried to give away when I was 16 to a boy who didn’t want it. When you look at me, at my ring, at my wedding, I don’t want you to see a girl you believe has finally made it. I want you to see the whole story. The beautiful script Jesus started writing a long time ago. The story that broke me and healed me and made me new. The story that is still being written.

This post is for you, the single girl who believes no boy will love her.

The girl who just ended the relationship she thought would last a lifetime. The girl who sighed, or maybe even cried, when she say another proposal on Instagram. This post is for the girl waiting on her boyfriend to propose, believing that all of life’s problems will be solved when she finally has a ring. I am no more loved, no more cherished, no more adorned than you are, right here, in this moment. This ring on my finger does not make me more lovely, more worthy, more valuable. This ring symbolizes the never ending love story God is writing. And believe me. He is writing yours too.

You, yes you.

You are more loved than you will ever know.

God Still Reigns…No Matter What

Today is the day. The day Americans drive/bike/walk up to their election poll ready/not ready to vote for the next President of the United States.

To be completely honest, I’ve been looking forward to this day. I’ve wanted the ads, debates, and Facebook/Twitter hate to would go away. Every time I jump online, I only last for a few minutes before I get annoyed or angry and exit out of my app(s). I’m sure you have felt the same way.

Even discussions with my family members would send me over the edge. I was beginning to dread family dinners due to political conversation. Not only were there deep debates over candidates, but actual worry coming from a few. Each time I heard them speak, I thought:

God still reigns… no matter what.

My friend posted a photo of a small section of “The Screwtape Letters” by C.S. Lewis on Facebook. It said:

“My dear wormwood,

Be sure that patient remains completely fixated on politics. Arguments, political gossip, and obsessing on the faults of people they have never met serves as an excellent distraction from advancing in personal virtue, character, and the things that patient can control. Make sure to keep the patient in a constant state of angst, frustration, and general disdain towards the rest of the human race in order to avoid any kind of charity or inner peace from further developing. Ensure the patient continues to believer that the problem is “out there” in the “broken system” rather than recognizing there is a problem with himself.
Keep up the good work,

-Uncle Screwtape.”

That was written in 1942. Crazy that it’s 2016 and we can feel and see this with our own eyes.

I think Americans believe that we are entering into some dark days, but I’ll give you a little history lesson to maybe ease the worry a bit.

There was a time in history when some of the worst individuals lived and ran countries at the same time. Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini. Those were some very dark days in that era, definitely a thousand shades darker than what we as Americans are seeing. But even in the middle of it all, God still reigned.

We can fixate on minds on candidates, but distance our thoughts on who the real King is.

I’ve gotten caught up with what the news is saying and what I’m reading in the newspaper that I haven’t even declared with my mouth that Jesus is still King. Maybe you have done the same. Let’s not be people who forget who the King is.

I love what Jennie Allen shared online.

“Here will be my singular post on the election. I am not afraid. I’ve been studying Church history and corrupt leaders come and go, there are times of prosperity and suffering, kingdoms grow and ALL fall and the Church grows more because of all of it. Of course I’m not saying I want chaos but even if the very worst happens, this is not our “city”. Augustine wrote a book called “The City of God” after the Roman Empire fell (equivalent to America falling today). He writes…… “the earthly city glories in itself, the Heavenly City glories in the Lord.” Our future city is growing and vibrant… “Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:10.“

Today, many people will feel a weight of heaviness once the new President of the United States has been announced, but remember that…

God reigns, no matter what.

Rejection: How I Started Believing in Lies

From a young age, I’ve been rejected.

I can recall the first time I was rejected by some girls my age – they were my neighbors. They had told me that I was “dumb” because my mom homeschooled my brother and I. They wouldn’t let me play with them because in their eyes, I was unusual. I jetted back to my house on my pink bike, crying because of their hurtful words. When you’re young and haven’t experienced rejection like that, it starts to build blocks in your life – negative blocks of shame in this case.

As a homeschooler, I was constantly looked at as the typical Christian weird-o. I felt like I was in this weird box that no one understood. I struggled to find friendships with girls, not because I was socially awkward, but because no one wanted to be friends with the homeschooler.

Junior high: this is where my heart really began to become tattered.

I was not a slim girl in junior high. I didn’t wear what was cool and I definitely was forbidden to wear makeup until high school. I had a gap in my teeth and my brows were out of control. I wasn’t the girl the guys chased – well, so I believed. My diaries were flooded of names of boys I crushed on at church and church camp. But at that young age, I claimed in my life that I was unapproachable, undesirable, and not worthy to have a boyfriend. Again, more building blocks began to set into my heart.

In high school, it was different but kind of the same. A new breed of guys were interested in me, yet I was denied by the athletic, good looking, popular boys. I felt like I wasn’t enough.

Ugly. Weird. Flat hair. Odd wardrobe. Gapped teeth. Not confident. Chunky. Not hot. These were lies I was hearing.

As an adult, I’ve been rejected in jobs. There are times when I instantly want to believe that I was too dumb for the job or not good enough to even be considered.

Because I was rejected, I felt like a 1 out of 10.
Because I was rejected, I became hurt and I hid.
Because I was rejected, I claimed lies about myself.

I’m 26 now but over the past year or so, I’ve started to identify these lies.

As I’ve seen God’s unfolding in my life, especial when a door doesn’t open, I try to not go rushing to my grab bag of lies to pull something out that’s false about me. This hasn’t been easy – it’s been quite difficult. See, I would be in the Word and then on social media waiting for affirmation of a picture I posted. If I didn’t get a large amount of likes, I felt rejected. I would be in the Word then waiting for a guy to text me back, hoping that Prince Charming would sweep me off my feet with a charming yet flirty conversation. But again, I felt rejected when I didn’t get what I hoped for.

When our hands are involved in two sources, it’s hard to identify what’s truth and what is not.

I’m going to the Lord as a source, but I’m waiting for a man to tell me who I am. That can’t work. Because I know that I know that I know, as women we fully intake everything a man says about us, from the most positive compliment we have ever received to the most negative remark, which could be about our bodies, our minds, or our personalities.

I know this all too well, because I was rejected by a man who I had invested many years in. A guy I considered marrying one day.

When we are rejected by a man, for example, the blocks form. The lies take root. We start watering those roots with more lies. And the Lord is there saying, “No, no, no, no, no…you are not these lies. You’re my Daughter. You are worthy. You are talented. You are amazing. You are beautiful. Don’t claim these lies.”

We will be disappointed and rejected by human beings. This will always happen. Even if it’s your sweet grandmother or your husband of many years, they will disappoint you.

When we are rejected, we automatically need to nip the lie that starts to form. This has to become a habit in our lives.

We also need to ask God, “What do You think of me? Who am I in Your eyes?”

Rejection hurts, that’s no lie. But rejection should not cultivate lies, and as daughters of a Royal King, we need to place all these lies at the feet of Jesus for Him to flip through them to rip up and make known who we are.

Adventure.

Alaska was always this magical land where the sun never sets and then turns around, refusing to rise. A place with wild creatures and snow covered peaks, glaciers, and villages. A place I dreamed of visiting, never thinking the day would come.

Then I went twice in five weeks.

My job has taken me all over the world. I get to travel with short-term mission’s teams, love on the lost and restore hope. When I was assigned two separate Anchorage trips, I did not know what to do. All of my “mission’s clothes” were made for summer heat and humid thunderstorms; I had been working on my Spanish all year long. Now, I was going to serve a group of people I knew little about with teams I had never met.

This is adventure.

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On my first trip, I was able to work with teenagers who had never picked up a Bible and knew little of Christ. Our team helped them fundraise money to go to camp by selling hundreds of donuts in parking lots and on street corners. One of the girls raising money had only stepped through the doors of church a week prior to our arrival; she was looking for someone, anyone, to pay attention and notice her. Our team poured into her life, praying the week after we left as she went to camp she would come to know Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior.

As I stepped out of the airport five weeks later, nearly the first sentence out of my mouth was a question about her.

She had yet to accept Jesus as her Savior.

I was heartbroken.

Coming off a June of anguish and confusion, and a July of change I did not ask for, I needed this. I needed her to have said yes to Jesus. Why was my hard work of pouring into her not enough?

MY hard work. There is the problem.

I had spent my whole first trip pouring into her out of myself, not out of my abundance of Jesus. I tried to save her. Me. Jamie. I had forgotten saving was not my job.

It took two nights in Anchorage the second time around for me to get it. I cried out to God asking why she had not yet been saved. Wasn’t I doing enough? Jesus gently spoke to me in the way only He can,

“Jamie, it’s your job to point to me, it’s my job to run to her.”

Wow. What a beautiful reminder of how Jesus loves us. Of the prodigal son’s return. The rest of my second stay in Alaska was spent watching her grow and lead in our VBS, right alongside the team from Alabama. As she watched our team love kids and love Jesus with such abandon, I saw her begin to change. At the end of our trip, she prayed with another leader on our team the prayer of salvation.

We rejoiced with Jesus. She had found the hope she was longing for.

This is why I am a missionary. This is why I spend agonizing weeks fundraising my salary, preparing teams for travel, flying around the world. I go for the one.

Thank God for big reminders like Anchorage.
Thank God for not giving up on me.
Thank God for HOPE.

Be Truly Lovely

Society likes to preach about individuality; to embrace your uniqueness and express oneself openly to the world. Yet, there’s such a discrimination due to the constant defining of beauty through one specific image.

The definition of beauty has been taken and molded by the hands of man, instead of being remembered that beauty comes from the hands that created man.

The best way I can explain something to be truly beautiful, is for it to be strong and undisguised. There is nothing more radiant than coming across an individual whose goal is to not concern their main focus on being physically beautiful, but instead strive for their heart to hold the beauty.

“Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.” – 1st Peter 3:3-4

Witnessing the way a person talks, laughs, looks, carries themselves, loves, and expresses emotion is witnessing the craftsmanship of the Creator. If you try to change the way you are and mold yourself into some image, then the world is missing out on your precious, one-of-a-kind self!

 “We are worth more than jewels! Our beauty doesn’t come from our exterior appearance but comes from the soul!” -Audrey Hepburn

Loving yourself and accepting your worth is so very difficult; it even feels impossible at times! We as humans tend to place our worth into the hands of others in hopes that they will build us up and that we will continue to have great meaning to them.

I can say without a doubt that I did this.

I constantly seeked my worth from others more than I seeked it out from Jesus. And eventually it became crystal clear to my mind and soul that to seek confirmation of my worth in humans would only lead me to destruction and disappointment.

It was completely pointless to confirm my price in worth because my being had already been paid for through love and sacrifice.

It had finally clicked that to love myself and accept my worth, I had to fully give up this identity that I had created and indulge myself in the One who had, from the very beginning, set my worth.

“He makes us, utterly, real, and everything that is hurt, everything that seemed to us dark, harsh, shameful, maimed, ugly, irreparably damaged, is in Him transformed and recognized as whole, as lovely, as radiant in His light.” – Awaken As the Beloved -Saint Symeon

Beauty is what He is. Therefore, when we seek Him and dive deeper into His grace, we too gain beauty. A beauty that fills up our insides and leaks onto our exterior. A beauty that makes the heart joyful and the mind at peace. Our worth is our being, and our being is identified in Him.

Don’t let anyone or anything ever take control of your worth or beauty. Because you are so lovely and your worth is more than all jewels in the eyes of the Beloved.

“Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves. Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly delightful.” – Song of Solomon 1:15-16